Joba Chamberlain: Reliever, Starter, ...Actor?

Within the last ten minutes, the YES Network has proven to me that, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I am going into the wrong profession.

I learned this by watching Joba Chamberlain in a commercial for some product. I don't remember the product -- I vaguely recall it may have had something to do with the Yankees chain/lanyard he strapped around his neck halfway through -- but I left the commercial thinking, "Wait a second. Someone actually got paid to come up with this crap? Probably a lot, too. Son of a bitch, what am I waiting for?!"

Here's the setup: our noble young phenom, sporting an untucked #62 jersey that probably has The Boss in a seizure fit right now, throws a baseball at a chalk outline of a strike zone on a brick wall. He, obviously, throws a strike. But for the good Hutt, this is not enough.

He straps on the aforementioned device -- go on, let that image sit in your head for a little while -- and throws again. Once more, a dead strike. But this time, the pitch goes clear through the wall, shocking the young children on the other side who look out the new hole, wide-eyed and radiant, and declare, "It's Joba Chamberlain!"

Not, "Hey Joba, why the fuck did you put a hole in our wall?" or "Hey asshole, why don't you throw at a brick wall in Boston if you're gonna bust shit up?" -- either of which I certainly would have said.

And how does Joba reply? With a huge, caricatured wink that instantly made me think of all the horrid late-'80s/early-'90s TV commercials hocking kid's crap that usually came in an assortment of violently neon colors.

So even though I can't remember what the product was, I came away with the following lessons:

1. If you're not knocking down buildings with your pitches, you're not throwing hard enough.
2. This product, even though it goes around your neck, will make you throw knock-buildings-down hard.
3. Just because you can throw a ball knock-buildings-down hard doesn't mean you can act worth a damn.

Perhaps Joba would be well-suited to look at other great examples of athletes-turned-actors that failed.

1. Michael Jordan -- He may have made the Looney Tunes' basketball team look like the Portland Trail Blazers during the game scenes in Space Jam, but in dialogue with Bugs Bunny, he made Mr. What's Up, Doc? look like freaking De Niro by comparison.
2. Shaquille O'Neal -- Steel proved that Shaq-as-super hero was almost as convincing a performance as Shaq-as-legitimate foul shooter.
3. Alex Rodriguez -- In his latest commercial for the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, he pretends that he actually likes all the kids that surround him. Enough said.

Seriously, Joba, stick to throwing the high heat and being the big cardboard cutout that greets me with an enticing-looking iced coffee when I walk into my local Dunkin' Donuts. As for me, I'm off to go enroll in marketing courses.