The Rickroll to End All Rickrolls

I was at my brother's house, enjoying a plate of bacon and swiss quiche and roasted ham, and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. There was really no reason for me to watch or being interested in the parade, but it was something to do while chewing. (My family was always fond of watching the Disney Very Merry Christmas Parade, before us darn kids got old and started sleeping through the whole damn thing.)

Float by float, band by band, crappy kiddy act by crappy kiddy act, everyone went by with little differentiation between them. Then came a float for Cartoon Network's Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. I'd never heard of the show, and it looked silly only with respect to the fact that the blue dude hanging out the window looked like a penis and we'd just made a penis joke. (This is my family, after all.)

Then suddenly, the music cuts out. And in its place, a very familiar beat -- accompanied by a rather striking man in a black overcoat with a disarmingly pleasing baritone.

My parents responded with mild surprise, followed by several affirmations that they loved that song. My brother and his wife just kinda watched with blank stare.

I was laughing my ass off and trying to suppress it.

Because I could have tried to explain, but that would have been futile at best.

Instead, I took out my cell phone, picked out as many people as I could think would appreciate it, and sent out the following succinct, direct, and extremely gratifying message:

OMG RICK ASTLEY RICKROLLED THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE ROFL!

This Thanksgiving, I was thankful for Rick -- and for his astonishing sense of humor and willingness to take part in such awesome. And, tangentially, to Eleanor and Caitlin, for appreciating it to precisely the level that I'd wished someone would have.

9:58pm

I am so glad I stuck around to see the previews for season seven after the film.

Jack Bauer is going to be put on trial by Red Forman? That may be even more shocking than the not-so-shocking return-from-the-dead of Tony Almeida!

Definitely counting the days until January!

But that's about all I have to say about that.



9:59:57

9:59:58

9:59:59

10:00:00.

9:53pm

Prescient words, Madame President.

Just remember one thing in a few months, though:

When Jack Bauer tells you something, fucking listen.

9:50pm

Fuck you, Frank Tramell.

That is all.

9:47pm

I know I said this before -- at 8:11pm, to be precise -- but Jon Voight, you are one creepy motherfucker.

9:43pm

Dear small African child,

I understand that you are young and, as such, have not been around for the entire run of 24. So you don't yet know that, in any situation where Jack Bauer gives you a direction, the correct answer is to listen to Jack Bauer.

But can you explain to me why you would turn around and run away from Jack Bauer when the one other white guy you could trust was just killed?

I really hope you're not thinking of doing anything else stupid in the next 15 minutes. I'd hate to regret feeling for you these past couple of hours.

9:35pm

Carl is a huge baller, and I respect the cajones it takes for him to take one for the team and not get off the land mine. But what amazing foresight to draw the terrorists towards him before stepping off the mine. Good man!

9:32pm

Bauer's gonna try and disarm the land mine? He really is the most amazing person on the face of the Earth, isn't he?

9:23pm

Touché, 24.

I predicted an ambush, and likely torture, but I did not see the portable lie detector coming into play. These guys, I like the cuts of their jibs.

9:19pm

AA boy has just returned -- alone -- to his apartment, in order to decrypt the secret files that he sent to his hard drive. You know, the files that will incriminate his corporation.

I predict he will be ambushed and either severely injured or killed shortly. And probably just before the files finish decrypting.

9:15pm

A helicopter? Really?

This show is making me lose all faith in the United Nations. I mean, I understand that not many people on the international stage care all that much about sub-Saharan Africa. And that lots of terrorist organizations are able to get their shit together without anyone figuring it out before it's too late.

But these guys have lots of guns, huge numbers of vehicles, an extremely well-contained and organized hierarchy of soldiers, and now, a helicopter.

How was this so surprising to the UN and the American Embassy? Do they have eyes and ears?

And furthermore, don't they watch 24?

9:11pm

Ahh, now it's clear. President Daniels is all pissy because he didn't win re-election.

In the interest of preserving my thoughts, I will not retract my post from 8:33pm. But it is ever so slightly amended.

9:02pm

I'm glad that 24 has decided to elect a female President because I presume this will break the show's streak of featuring women who are completely inept when it comes to political dealings.

The AA guy comes to President Taylor's son's place, spilling his guts about an extraordinarily illegal operation involving terrorists, -- terrorists that are probably being led by the freaking Candyman! -- and when that results in said President's son telling her she'll have to go on ahead of him, she gives him that look like he's not getting any pussy for a month for the inconvenience?

Why is it that women on this show have no sense of foreign relations? Don't they freaking watch 24?

8:54pm

Dear UN representative scumbag,

Please read my post from 8:50pm. Your ass is next.

8:52pm

AMAZING.

Bauer only needs his fucking legs to kill terrorists.

The man must be horrifying when his entire body is ready and available for use.

8:50pm

If there's anything that 24 has taught me, it's that the bureaucracy of the United States Government is so great and all-consuming that it turns even the most hard-working person into a cold-hearted agent.

And if there are two things it's taught me, it's that fuckwits like him always get their comeuppance.

8:45pm

Whoa!

So this whole child soldier storyline is Law & Order-style "ripped from the headlines"? Or so that lovely little Human Rights Watch PSA would have us believe.

Maybe Jack is a bit timelier than I'd previously accused him of being.

8:44pm

Wait. One. Second.

Did Jack Bauer just lose a fight?

I mean, we all know it's little more than a temporary setback. And that the terrorist/insurgent leader's idea to keep Jack alive for just a little longer will blow up in his face by 5:00pm.

But still. Jack doesn't lose.

8:42pm

The terrorists are currently hiding behind a wall of what looks like propane tanks.

I predict this will end similar to the Jack v. grenade launcher incident of a few moments ago.

Also, Jack Bauer's ability to kill with a) pistols, b) dynamite, c) knives, d) the enemy's submachine guns, and e) his bare fucking hands remains remarkably impressive.

8:38pm

Nice to see that, even in the midst of an international crisis, there's plenty of time for gratuitous product placement.

I find myself overcome with the urge to use my Sprint/Nextel phone to look up stats on a Hyundai Genesis...

8:33pm

24, last time I checked, is supposed to be a relatively contemporary show.

And we just went through a Presidential campaign where we elected arguably one of the most personable, charismatic leaders of all time.

And yes, I know he came into power because he was the Vice President and the second President Palmer was incapacitated during season six.

But come on, 24 writers. Do you really think the American people would really elect anyone who's as big of a douchebag as Noah Daniels is?

I hope he drops off the face of Bauerland after President Taylor's inauguration.

8:28pm

It's Tom!

I mean, I know I shouldn't be all that surprised, since Noah Daniels is still the President -- at least until Madame President Allison Taylor is sworn in in just a few short hours -- and no one actually removed Tom Lennox from his post during season six.

But...it's Tom!

Tom Lennox is, like, the one guy on any White House staff that the viewer can always trust. He is to the President's staff what, say, Aaron is to the Secret Service. Or what Chloe is to CTU.

Good to see you, Tom!

8:25pm

New rule: ALL episodes of 24 should include at least one gratuitous shot of a scantily clad hottie getting dressed. Extra points for extra cleavage, of course.

8:20pm

Dear terrorists,

Good idea: If you're going to be kidnapping children to recruit for your people's army, selecting children who have been playing football (that's soccer to Americans like me) is probably a good way to get strong, athletic bodies.

Bad idea: Firing your weapons into the sky while loudly driving multiple Jeeps to surround them will probably draw more attention to you than you'd like.

Just a suggestion.

8:11pm

Two things:

1) Jon Voight, why is it that all of a sudden the only roles you can get are playing patriotic Americans who are actually traitorous schmucks? Is it because you're so damn good at it, or because your daughter keeps getting headlines instead of you?

2) Why is every skeevy scheme in some other country inevitably tied to a large, private, multinational corporation headquartered in Washington, DC? Don't you think the government would have, you know, started looking into this shit by now? It's been at least ten years in the show's timeline, and no one else but me has picked up on this?

8:08pm

I've already got a very bad feeling about this ambassador guy.

And apparently, so does Jack.

Given his track record, I'm gonna trust the Bauer on this one.

8:04pm

Whew!

Only the "pre-game" setup piece wasn't in real time. The rest will be taking place between 3:00pm and 5:00pm and, per the soothing baritone of Kiefer Sutherland, occurring in real time.

I am comforted.

8:01pm

Holy shit.

We have a bunch of young children shooting targets with guns in daylight. And then, instantly, we have them getting a pep talk around a campfire at night?

Was I naïve to think that this would be in real time?

The 24: Redemption Live Blog

I've waited one year, six months, and two days for this.

Is it any surprise, then, that I've got the laptop in front of me, taking down thoughts and reflections as the most recent new episode of 24 -- the two-hour season seven prequel movie, 24: Redemption -- goes to air? Of course not.

I'll be trying to limit my commentary to commercial breaks, but I make no promises.

Oh yeah, and let every post over the next two hours be prefaced by a big ol' spoiler warning. Don't say I didn't prepare you.

Jack is back. It's go time.

Story of My Life

Soundtrack FAIL

It often seems that my life as of late has been consumed with Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

Sure, I've already written a post about the film, and, as promised in my last line, I was there on opening night, along with three good friends and only two other people in the entire theatre -- it was Halloween night, after all -- watching the vulgar magic unfold on screen.

I went into the film expecting to like it, and sure enough, Kevin Smith continues to not fail me. But as soon as the movie ended, I knew immediately that I wanted to see it again. And while I will confess that, unlike some of his other films, Zack and Miri does have a shockingly high compulsive-watchability factor, there was one very specific reason why I wanted to go back.

There is one scene, which I will not spoil, in which the background music plays such an integral role that I was completely and utterly drawn into the emotion in a way that very few other films I've seen before have done.

The song in question is called "Lift Me Up," by Live -- which I've learned through Wikipedia is an unreleased B-side to their 1994 breakthrough album Throwing Copper. The song was never released on any album to date, and so I presumed that, when the Zack and Miri soundtrack hits stores on November 11, the song would be on the soundtrack.

I was wrong.

And I'm rather dismayed because the song conjures up such incredible emotion that I know I would never be able to shake them if I were to hear the song again. Even more disheartening is that, for some strange reason, the song is pretty much impossible to find anywhere on teh Intarwebs.

So here I am, jonesing to hear this amazing song that was implemented perfectly in a film I adore, and all I can do is bow down to the directorial wunderkind that is Kevin Smith, wait impatiently for the distant DVD release, and hope that perhaps I'll get lucky enough to find the song during my cyber travails.

Sad. Face.