Axed

If there's one thing I do well while in State College, it's watching television. But since laziness is my m.o., the channel rarely changes. With the exception of the occasional Jeopardy! viewing, my pretty TV broadcasts mostly two channels: GSN (formerly the Game Show Network) and ESPN (currently the worldwide leader in sports).

Both channels, to my great surprise, show an astonishing amount of irritating ads. I say "to my great surprise" because GSN, like many daytime game shows, skew towards an older, more nostalgic audience. So I'm not astonished to find that they constantly advertise medications, diabetes testing supplies, and (how I wish this wasn't so) incontinence pads. My surprise comes more out of the realization that, for reasons unbeknownst to me, both channels are equally likely to broadcast those goddamn horrendous Cash4Gold.com commercials.

As I'm unwilling to give that particular site any more space here, I'll instead focus my fangs and venom on two other ads. The first is an ad for Axe Hair Products, featuring an attractive young woman narrating the scene at a gorgeous beach. Three male models are fitted with bad wigs. (My choice of word is critical here: "bad." Not "horrendous." Not "roadkillesque." Just "bad." Let's continue.) The models then proceed to try picking up chicks, to no avail -- because, as our snobbish spokeswoman tells us...

"If these gorgeous guys can't pick up girls with this hair, what hope do you have?"

Wanna know what I think? There's a long version and a short version.

The long version: I know I don't have the physique or the looks to capture the attention of 10s for an exceptional length of time, but I'd like to think that even without the perfect body, I have plenty to offer the pretty single ladies out there. But not every single guy has the same level of confidence or patience, even if they are better looking than me. So, as usual, the media presents the single-minded, stereotypical perception that looks are all that matter and if you don't look good, you're not worth a damn. To be honest, if a girl rejected me because she thought my hair didn't look good, I'd be happy to have avoided wasting my time on someone so shallow and self-centered. And as for the exceptionally smarmy phrasing of our intrepid spokeswoman's query, I've got a lot more hope in the long run than you do, because my personality and intelligence will hold out for substantially longer than your looks will.

The short version: Fuck you, bitch.

I feel better. I think I might have had a rant in me about the FinallyFast.com commercials -- why would the Web site's commercial feature predominantly Apple computers when the site's software, per the fine print, can't help fix problems on Macs? -- but I've mellowed out now that that's out of my system.

And I guess the FreeCreditReport.com toolbag's uppance will have to come another day.

Delicious, Delicious Paper...

I find it hard to believe that in neither of my blogs have I ever posted once about WebMD. While I generally believe that the Internet is a fantastic resource that can effectively bring people together and spread information, WebMD often proves to me how easy it is for this to go horribly, horribly wrong.

The usual tales of WebMD woe involve looking up simple symptoms, only to find that you could potentially have a devastating disease. ("Headache? Probably a brain tumor!") But today, while searching for some possible solutions to my once-again-onset vertigo, I saw some head-related symptoms that made me just a little sad.

Some symptoms are completely plausible: "headache," "hair loss," etc.

Others, to my knowledge, are grouped there strictly because they are psychological in nature, despite not being strictly head-related: "mood swings" and "lack of pleasure" (tee-hee) are just a few of the symptoms there.

Then there are the ones that are stupid because they're obvious, such as "broken bones (multiple fractures)." Call me crazy, but if you know that there are multiple broken bones in your head, why would your first instinct be, "I think I'm gonna go on WebMD...maybe it'll save me a trip to the doctor!" (Perhaps the broken bones are affecting your judgment, in which case I have to wonder why a) no one is accompanying you, or b) if one is, why the hell are they letting you fuck around on the computer instead of, oh, getting you to an emergency room?)

And then, we enter the realm of the absurd. For instance...

"Coma" -- Pray tell, how is a person going to diagnose themselves as having a coma if they're in one? And if it's someone else checking for the victim, I must once more question the wisdom of cross-checking coma symptoms on a Web site instead of with, you know, a certified medical professional. Silly me.

"Fear of gaining weight" -- Isn't that a symptom of, oh, I don't know, life? Does anyone really embrace the chub?

"Craving to eat ice, dirt, or paper" -- This is what-the-fuck on so many levels. First of all, has anyone ever actually craved eating dirt or paper? (Ice, I've been told, is a common enough snack for some.) And furthermore, who decided to put those three particular selections together? I don't believe there to be a disease that results in me desperately wanting to snack on only ice, dirt, or paper. Nor am I aware of what it takes to make the jump from ice to paper.

I could go on, but it's all just making me dizzy again just thinking about it. I'd better go lay down for a bit before dinner...maybe take a look at the bookshelf and see what I might want.

"Good day to be alive, sir!"

On this most momentous of Inauguration Days, I humbly give you this.

An actual exchange between two Princeton graduates:

Bob (6:41): stupid cold apartment
Bob (6:41): that's what happens when you leave a 85F shower into a 45F apartment
Me (6:59): GAH
Me (6:59): why is your apartment 45*?
Bob (7:46): because the Japanese don't believe in heaters or insulation
Me (7:48): sucks for you
Me (7:48): come back to America
Me (7:48): we have central heating AND a black President
Me (7:48): what now, world?

(10 points if you catch the reference.)

This One's For Liz

Because Liz is one of the only people who will appreciate the awesomeness of this.

Several years back, Danielle introduced me to a game she and her family would play while watching Jeopardy! After the Final Jeopardy! category was revealed, they would make a preliminary guess before the clue came up. It's the kind of thing that's silly and fun and almost guaranteed to never result in a win, but is painless and effortless enough to continue attempting whenever the show's on.

One time, the stars aligned themselves and I was able to guess correctly...but there was a bit of an asterisk surrounding it. The category in question was "1950s Fiction," which is not exactly a broad, wide-reaching category. Plus, my favorite novel ever -- and my candidate for Greatest Novel Ever Written -- happened to be written in the 1950s.

1955, to be precise. Little book called Lolita. And sure enough, though I can't remember the clue verbatim, "What is Lolita?" was the correct response. I received back pats, but only half-hearted ones, since the category was so specific.

Tonight, I found myself watching Jeopardy! and chatting online with Danielle. Our exchange went as follows:

Me (7:19): the head still hurts
Me (7:19): i ate, i took Advil, i took the contacts out, i'm resting
Me (7:20): dunno what else i'm supposed to do
Me (7:20): Who is Eliza Doolittle?
Danielle (7:21): category?
Me (7:21): Characters in Plays
Me (7:22): thus, Who is Eliza Doolittle
Danielle (7:22): who is nathan detroit

Note the timestamps there. My guess came at 7:20pm. Then, at 7:23pm, came the clue:

"This woman wished to be taken to 'Bucknam Pellis...don't you know where it is? In the Green Park, where the King lives'"

HOLY FUCK, I GOT IT RIGHT.

And since "Characters in Plays" is such a radically wide-ranging category, this officially legitimates my previous success! And who cares if it's a completely frivolous little game? I'm still a champ!

(Yes, in case you were wondering, this has been the highlight of my day. How'd you guess?)