Axed

If there's one thing I do well while in State College, it's watching television. But since laziness is my m.o., the channel rarely changes. With the exception of the occasional Jeopardy! viewing, my pretty TV broadcasts mostly two channels: GSN (formerly the Game Show Network) and ESPN (currently the worldwide leader in sports).

Both channels, to my great surprise, show an astonishing amount of irritating ads. I say "to my great surprise" because GSN, like many daytime game shows, skew towards an older, more nostalgic audience. So I'm not astonished to find that they constantly advertise medications, diabetes testing supplies, and (how I wish this wasn't so) incontinence pads. My surprise comes more out of the realization that, for reasons unbeknownst to me, both channels are equally likely to broadcast those goddamn horrendous Cash4Gold.com commercials.

As I'm unwilling to give that particular site any more space here, I'll instead focus my fangs and venom on two other ads. The first is an ad for Axe Hair Products, featuring an attractive young woman narrating the scene at a gorgeous beach. Three male models are fitted with bad wigs. (My choice of word is critical here: "bad." Not "horrendous." Not "roadkillesque." Just "bad." Let's continue.) The models then proceed to try picking up chicks, to no avail -- because, as our snobbish spokeswoman tells us...

"If these gorgeous guys can't pick up girls with this hair, what hope do you have?"

Wanna know what I think? There's a long version and a short version.

The long version: I know I don't have the physique or the looks to capture the attention of 10s for an exceptional length of time, but I'd like to think that even without the perfect body, I have plenty to offer the pretty single ladies out there. But not every single guy has the same level of confidence or patience, even if they are better looking than me. So, as usual, the media presents the single-minded, stereotypical perception that looks are all that matter and if you don't look good, you're not worth a damn. To be honest, if a girl rejected me because she thought my hair didn't look good, I'd be happy to have avoided wasting my time on someone so shallow and self-centered. And as for the exceptionally smarmy phrasing of our intrepid spokeswoman's query, I've got a lot more hope in the long run than you do, because my personality and intelligence will hold out for substantially longer than your looks will.

The short version: Fuck you, bitch.

I feel better. I think I might have had a rant in me about the FinallyFast.com commercials -- why would the Web site's commercial feature predominantly Apple computers when the site's software, per the fine print, can't help fix problems on Macs? -- but I've mellowed out now that that's out of my system.

And I guess the FreeCreditReport.com toolbag's uppance will have to come another day.