I Long for a Defined Jaw

As I mentioned to one of my patients earlier today, I'm pretty confident that there's no fat man or woman on Earth who is genuinely happy with being fat. I say this with roughly fifteen years of experience on the matter -- yes, it's true, there was a time when I was both skinny and cute, and what the hell happened to those days is anyone's guess.

And while my "M.lb." plan got sidelined by a number of different logistical problems that come with the being-home-and-not-in-State-College-for-the-summer territory, I've been making a concentrated effort in recent weeks to genuinely slim down. Specifically, by jump-starting my progress with the no-carb plan (which I know isn't a valid long-term weight-loss plan and is probably terrible for me, but if you were sick of being fat and something worked really well, you'd do it too) and then parlaying it into good old-fashioned exercise when I return to Penn State.

In the week and a half since I've been carb-free, I've noticed myself losing. Tomorrow's the official weigh-in, but I'd guess I've lost around five pounds or so, if not a little more. And while my voluptuous man-tits, bulbous ass, and cottage-cheese gut are the three things I'd most like to see vanish as a result of my most recent effort, I determined while in the car today that there's something to be said for the weight that sits in one's face.

Me, I've had a double chin for some time. This may shock many of you -- in fact, it shocked me. I only discovered this double-chin when I realized that the chin-neck area of my body is a nebulous, indistinct area. My chin doesn't get clearly defined so much as the edge of my soul patch slopes at an indiscriminate angle that ends somewhere below my Adam's apple.

And yes, I know that means it's my neck that really disappears, but my jaw is what really suffers because, contrary to popular belief, my face is not round, but rather square. Much more like, say, the left-bottommost Mii face than the left second-from-top that I currently use.

Perhaps this is the source of my complete lack of self-confidence! The epitome of the man's man is the tight-lipped, square-jawed Clint Eastwood-style motherfucker who takes no shit and pulls no punches. This is what I secretly strive to be! I ache to be listened to and respected without question, to have my many moods tolerated with impunity! The key is in the jaw, and my jaw, beneath layers of unsightly cellulite, possesses the definition necessary!

If that's not a reason to lose weight -- besides, of course, my obscene personal vanity -- then I don't know what is.