I Love My Parents, I Don't Like Being on Fire, and Other Truisms

Who doesn't love Facebook? It's a masterful procrastination tool, a great way of keeping in touch with friends you otherwise wouldn't have wasted your breath on, and by and large is the reason most people my age spend way too much time on the Internet. And while I have grown to like Twitter, the fact that you actually (presumably) know everyone that's Facebook friends with you makes the announcements far more urgent. It's instant content at its craptacularly finest.

But this whole fandom thing? Either I'm getting old or my cynicism is creeping up on my recent bout of optimism, but I just don't follow it anymore.

At first, it was marvelous. It gave me an opportunity to become fans with some of my favorite artistic personalities -- the Dave Matthews Band, Jimmy Eat World, The Decemberists, Kevin Smith -- and, because of the personal nature of Facebook, you could hold on to the illusion that maybe, just maybe, these people were actually listening to you. Amazing!

Then the tide turned. I have to say it was probably a few weeks ago, when the recommendations box suggested I become a fan of Sleeping. Okay, that's fine. I do love sleeping. Fair enough. I won't add it -- I've always been a bit more selective about my Facebook associations than others -- but I get it.

Next came "I Love My MOM." (Yup, emphasis on the MOM. That's just asking for trouble.) This time, I was confounded. Because really, unless your mother did something awful to you as a child -- the kind of awful that gets said mom on the news, and the same kind of awful that few people ever find themselves capable of -- you're going to love your mom. Ditto to "I Love My DAD." Once again, it's pretty self-evident.

I think the straw for me was "Not Being on Fire." Seriously, what the fuck? Are there really enough people who have been on fire before that we passionately need to embrace not being engulfed in flames? And sure, in my Facebook comment stream, Tina made a case that was equal parts preposterous and legitimate (PREPOSTIMATE!), but I still don't buy it.

Just don't burn me at the stake for hating. I'm not a fan.